The President Responds to the World Cup Finale for Team USA

The White House
Washington, DC

Good Afternoon (Look sad and concerned. Scratch face)

Earlier my administration watched the United States end its hope (and change!) for a World Cup victory. As you know, my administration has been active in the promotion of soccer since day one. I believe that by spreading the sports wealth around, all of American sports will prosper. Some will have you believe that America's best sports days are behind us. But I will not give in to the notion that sports are destined to fail.

I inherited an enormous debt of soccer talent. The previous administration, pursuing a course of sports abandonment that only benefited the rich sports, through a series of deregulation, allowed soccer to become subpar, sub standard and inadequate. This is unacceptable. But now is not the time to look backward at the mistakes previous administration made. Now is the time to look ahead.

We must act now. We must act swiftly and with determination. The time for talking is over. Now is the time to act. I am not one to believe that it is impossible to improve America's sports talent. I will not give in to the notion that America's sport's future is grim. Today I am announcing a Soccer Czar. This person, appointed by me, will serve my administration by ensuring that proper and adequate soccer attention is provided in sports television, sports radio and sports newscasting. With this new focused attention on the matter, my Soccer Czar will inform my administration about steps I can take that will address this challenge.

Now is the time to act. Now is the time to come together as Americans and say, yes we can. We can kick the ball and not use our hands. Let us use our heads and direct the momentum in our favor. We can score that soccer goal. Now is the time and this is the moment when my administration headed by me will make sports history for all Americans.

Thank you.